The Ratings:
Aussie Snacks

This is an elaboration of the Brunching Shuttlecocks' The Ratings: Australian Snack Foods.

My fellow Brunchmas,
Having spent nigh on ten fortnights in that place which they call "Australia," I have discovered it to be a land flowing with milk and honey. This makes it a sticky mess. But in that mess I have found many wondrous foodstuffs, which go by the names of "biscuits" and "lollies."
I have prepared a Ratings for said items, so that you may know which are good and which suck.
-Lord Smack

Tim Tams
An argument for reducing international trade barriers if ever there was one. I bet all that unpleasantness in Seattle last year, and Melbourne a few months ago, could have been avoided if Arnott's had announced it was moving its main factory to China. A+++

White Tim Tams
Mmmm ... white chocolate Tim Tams ... *drooling noises* But they're new, so they only come one to a package currently. So they'll get some extra plusses as soon as you can go down to Woolworth's and get a package of 13 for $2.27 Australian. A+

Chicken Crisps
These prove my theory that artificial flavours are largely psychological -- whatever they tell you it should taste like, it does. I say that because the "chicken" on these crisps tastes suspiciously like the fake sour cream and onion they use. C+

Cherry Ripe
Despite boasting "the big cherry taste" and "ripe juicy cherries," cherries are only the third ingredient, after chocolate and coconut. The filling is less "ripe juicy cherries" and more "crystallised pink stuff." A-

Jaffas
There's some part of me that rebels at the obvious pronunciation of the name "Jaffas." Maybe we should pretend it's Scandinavian ("Ÿäffäs") or Spanish ("Hkhaffas") or French ("Zhaf"). Something to make it more interesting. C-

Aero
I didn't quite know what I was in for here, as the package offered the helpful description "confectionery and milk chocolate." "Confectionery," as it turns out, means "pale green foamy mint stuff." A-

Mars
I could go on and on about the astrological significance of choosing "Mars" instead of "Milky Way" to describe identical chocolate bars, but I'm not Lore, so it probably wouldn't be funny. B-

Violet Crumble
The name had me hoping for the violet candy that Lore described in one of his other ratings. But alas, this is a chocolate coated piece of stuff that resembles brittle insulation styrofoam. I'd say it tastes like styrofoam, but I'm not stupid enough to eat styrofoam. D+

Twirl
This is, without a doubt, the most disappointing candy bar I have ever eaten. It's just a wad of chocolate. And it's not even solid chocolate -- it's all crumbly and has little air spaces in between. D-

Mint Slice
This contains, among other things, "cocoa mass," "invert syrup," and "traces of seed." A

Pollywaffle
My first thought was, "I must have gotten a stale one." Then I thought, "Maybe that's what makes 'choc' different to (or as we say in America, "different from") 'chocolate'." Then I realized marshmallow always tastes kind of stale. They can't help it -- they're freshness-challenged. B-

Freddo
There's more to Cadbury than just a clucking bunny. There's also chocolate frogs. B+

ANZAC Biscuit
The first time I saw one of these was in my History tutorial, where our tutor treated it as if an explanation of "ANZAC" was some sort of national secret. From the information we weaseled out of him, I gather that this is a cookie in honor of legalised gambling. B

Milkybar
The package proclaims, "For more than 100 years Nestle has put all possible know-how into making foods like MILKYBAR for growing children." It also lists "sugar" and "vegetable fat" as 2 primary ingredients. I guess we know which direction Aussie kids are growing. A-

Caramello Koala
Though called a "Koala," the package clearly depicts a red bear. That can only mean two things. (1) The Soviet Union. OK, I can live with that. (2) Cornell. Oog, I think I'm going to be sick... A

Burger Rings
I was listening to Triple J (public radio) one day when they were interviewing American band "The Hippos." They cited Burger Rings as one of their favorite things about Australia, to which the DJ replied, "I can't believe that in a first-world country like the States they don't have meat-flavoured chips." B

Thanks to Bombadil for some image editing.

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	Tim Tams An argument for reducing international trade barriers if ever there was one. I bet all that unpleasantness in Seattle last year, and Melbourne a few months ago, could have been avoided if Arnott's had announced it was moving its main factory to China. A+++
	White Tim Tams Mmmm ... white chocolate Tim Tams ... drooling noises But they're new, so they only come one to a package currently. So they'll get some extra plusses as soon as you can go down to Woolworth's and get a package of 13 for $2.27 Australian. A+
	Chicken Crisps These prove my theory that artificial flavours are largely psychological -- whatever they tell you it should taste like, it does. I say that because the "chicken" on these crisps tastes suspiciously like the fake sour cream and onion they use. C+
	Cherry Ripe Despite boasting "the big cherry taste" and "ripe juicy cherries," cherries are only the third ingredient, after chocolate and coconut. The filling is less "ripe juicy cherries" and more "crystallised pink stuff." A-
	Jaffas There's some part of me that rebels at the obvious pronunciation of the name "Jaffas." Maybe we should pretend it's Scandinavian ("Ÿäffäs") or Spanish ("Hkhaffas") or French ("Zhaf"). Something to make it more interesting. C-
	Aero I didn't quite know what I was in for here, as the package offered the helpful description "confectionery and milk chocolate." "Confectionery," as it turns out, means "pale green foamy mint stuff." A-
	Mars I could go on and on about the astrological significance of choosing "Mars" instead of "Milky Way" to describe identical chocolate bars, but I'm not Lore, so it probably wouldn't be funny. B-
	Violet Crumble The name had me hoping for the violet candy that Lore described in one of his other ratings. But alas, this is a chocolate coated piece of stuff that resembles brittle insulation styrofoam. I'd say it tastes like styrofoam, but I'm not stupid enough to eat styrofoam. D+
	Twirl This is, without a doubt, the most disappointing candy bar I have ever eaten. It's just a wad of chocolate. And it's not even solid chocolate -- it's all crumbly and has little air spaces in between. D-
	Mint Slice This contains, among other things, "cocoa mass," "invert syrup," and "traces of seed." A
	Pollywaffle My first thought was, "I must have gotten a stale one." Then I thought, "Maybe that's what makes 'choc' different to (or as we say in America, "different from") 'chocolate'." Then I realized marshmallow always tastes kind of stale. They can't help it -- they're freshness-challenged. B-
	Freddo There's more to Cadbury than just a clucking bunny. There's also chocolate frogs. B+
	ANZAC Biscuit The first time I saw one of these was in my History tutorial, where our tutor treated it as if an explanation of "ANZAC" was some sort of national secret. From the information we weaseled out of him, I gather that this is a cookie in honor of legalised gambling. B
	Milkybar The package proclaims, "For more than 100 years Nestle has put all possible know-how into making foods like MILKYBAR for growing children." It also lists "sugar" and "vegetable fat" as 2 primary ingredients. I guess we know which direction Aussie kids are growing. A-
	Caramello Koala Though called a "Koala," the package clearly depicts a red bear. That can only mean two things. (1) The Soviet Union. OK, I can live with that. (2) Cornell. Oog, I think I'm going to be sick... A
	Burger Rings I was listening to Triple J (public radio) one day when they were interviewing American band "The Hippos." They cited Burger Rings as one of their favorite things about Australia, to which the DJ replied, "I can't believe that in a first-world country like the States they don't have meat-flavoured chips." B

The Ratings: Aussie Snacks

The Ratings:
Aussie Snacks